Sleep and the "Sigh"
The following entry focuses on how to traverse through the deep shadows of life. I describe another way by which I was able to make it… that day. We had a plan for Josiah, we were working that plan, but that plan did not bring peace.
A couple of weeks after the first Pittsburgh trip,
July 24, 2015
The wild ride continues...
Over the past 5 days Josiah has been sleeping a lot. Not a cat nap here and there. He wakes for breakfast, goes back to sleep, wakes for lunch, goes back to sleep, wakes for dinner, stays awake for dessert, and is down for the night. This is not a daily routine but it is often the case. It is the situation today and yes... he is asleep right now.
We went to Children's DC for a check up on Thursday. They were concerned about some things like his sleeping and increased loss of balance. (If he is walking, he is holding my hand... with a strong grip.) They took a CAT scan (which we didn't have to wait hardly at all for so praise God!) to see if these symptoms were caused by the brain being unable to drain fluids properly. If it was so, then surgery would have been done and relief would have been had. But it was not the case.
I asked the doctor if it was good news that the CAT scan was clear. He said yes and no. If the CAT scan was not clear, then he could have done something to help. But an unclear scan would have meant his body was not working well on its own thus needing surgery. Since the scan was actually clear, Josiah’s body is doing well with fluids but there is nothing they can do to help with the increasingly difficult symptoms.
Sigh. But I choose to believe that God is focusing his energy to kill the tumor and it has to take all he has to do so. May this tumor die so that he can have his energy back to do things like walking, running and playing video games...
Lastly, we had a hearing test done today. His hearing is good and we now have an official hearing baseline. He does, however, have tinnitus... which is just a fancy name for ringing in the ear. It has been going on since surgery in April but he has just recently let us know. There is nothing for us to do but to have white noise going on while he sleeps.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
“Sigh.”
If you have a cut, you put a Band-Aid on it. If you have a deep cut, you go get stitches. If you have a fever, you take Tylenol and lay down. If you have a raging fever, you go to the doctor to find the infection and take antibiotics. But what do you do when the doctors and hospitals are powerless to help you? What if that person is not you, but your child who you would do anything to switch places but cannot?
Breath deeply.
The older I get the more I see obstacles that are impossible to fix. From a raging global pandemic to a loved one who rejects your love, we often cannot fix what weighs heaviest on our lives. So what do you do?
Choose to believe in the goodness of God. Put God in the gap between your problem and the unseen solution. But how do you do that? How do you move from the pain and fear to faith?
Nehemiah Prayers
Last week I talked about my prayer journal. I sit down, focus and write out my praise, thanksgivings and struggles. Writing out my prayers is an important part of owning my aches and elevating them to the God who can do far more than I can imagine.
More often, much more often, I pray quick prayers throughout the day. It may be just saying His name, “Jesus”. I catch myself breathing a deep sigh and say “please”. When my words fail me, I recite the Lord’s prayer or the Jesus Prayer:
“Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.”
I call these short prayers “Nehemiah prayers”. I remember the power of God in the history of the Hebrews. God does not need a long, drawn out poetical prayer. He wants to hear our faith bursting from our fears.
Nehemiah was a servant to the foreign conquering king of the Isrealites. He was a cupbearer. Back in coal country, he would be known as the carnry in the cave. He was the king’s first line of defense against poisoning. How? He would drink the beverage before the king. If he didn’t die, the king would know the drink was safe. Anyone want to sign up for that job?
It had been years since the Hebrew people were living in the land that God had promised them. They had been conquered and forced to leave. When Nehemiah heard how bad his former home had become he was undone. He responded by weeping, fasting and praying. One of his prayers, quite beautiful, was written out in Nehemiah chapter one. Here is an example of how writing out your prayers can be a tool to move from pain to faith.
In the next chapter we learn that Nehemiah gets called out by the king he serves. He cannot hide his sadness (even in his weeping, fasting, and praying), and being caught downtrodden before the king could cost Nehemiah his life. The king asks why he was so troubled. Nehemiah does not deflect or deny his heavy heart and proclaims it is over the home his people were forced to leave years ago. He was bold beyond bold.
The king answered in a way that had to surprise Nehemiah, “Then the king said to me, ‘What are you requesting?’ So I prayed to the God of heaven.” Did you catch that? Nehemiah did not have time to give a lengthy prayer, less sit down with pen and paper. So he prayed a quick prayer. How long? We cannot know but he wouldn’t keep the king waiting for long. He quickly answered the king requesting to return to Israel.
My focus is not on how Nehemiah’s prayers were answered but how different those prayers were. He is an excellent example to us on how we put God in the gap. There is no way Nehemiah would know that the king he served as a test dummy would really consider sending him back to the land of his people. But he did.
We could consider which prayer was more important or “powerful”. Did the long prayer reminding God of His promises turn the tide? Or was it the quick prayer said at the perfect moment that swayed a conquering king? I think both are important and equally full of potential power. For both prayers reveal where Nehemiah’s hope, our only hope, resides… in God alone.
Some days we need to need to focus and write our prayers. But, if you are like me, we need to fill our days with more Nehemiah prayers. Say His name. Ask Him for what is breaking your heart. Or maybe, “help me”.
He hears every prayer. He knows the cries of our heart. He is in the pain so please do not run away. He knows the darkness. He breathes deeply with our sighs. He knows pain, rejection, and betrayal. Prayer helps move our fear to faith. It is a step from the darkness into the light.
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