The Five Stages Confused
I am very grateful for the work Dr. Kübler-Ross did in writing the book On Death and Dying. The Five Stages of Grief have been very helpful in learning to cope with the grief of losing my son. But there are some misconceptions that I want to clarify.
Clarity to the Five Stages of Grief:
They are not “stages”. I cannot give them a better label so I understand why the tern is used. A grief counselor gave me a helpful metaphor. She told me they are like different clouds you walk through. The problem with the term “stages” is that it leads to a misconception that each of the stages are linear. You start with denial then go to anger and so on until you reach acceptance. The clouds are not leading you up and onward.
They are not sequential. The clouds blend onto the path where they are not ordered. You may start angry, then the next thing you know, you are in the depths of depression. The next day you wake up in the cloud of denial… nothing at all is wrong, just move yourself along. Each cloud has different qualities but it is difficult to realize you are passing in and out of them.
They are clouds where you will be in more than a few times. Stages gives the impression that once you have gone through a stage you have arrived and have learned your lesson. Where is the next stage to conquer? But no. You can pass through any cloud on any day. Sometimes you get to visit a cloud multiple times a day.
Acceptance does not mean arrival. A cloud that you will walk through in grief is called acceptance. I misunderstood it to be the last stage. Therefore, once I had come to “accept” the death of my son, I would be through grieving. Nope. Even acceptance is a cloud that you will pass in and out. Acceptance is not the end goal of grieving.
The five clouds are not so clearly lived through than defined. I have found denial a close companion to acceptance. Sometimes I feel I have skirted around anger and not let it do its work. The way I have “bargained” will be different than someone who has a different view of God. Each cloud has common characteristics but different manifestations.
I hope that my five points of clarity will help you in your journey with grief. The clouds will come and go. Embracing each of them with the challenges and possible “lessons” they can teach is important. There is no rush. Take the time, walk the path, and trust that God will see you through these cloudy days.