The Five Stages of Grief
One of the modern tools that has helped me in my grieving is the “Five stages of Grief”. I found comfort in knowing there is a common path people follow in dark days. There are also common misunderstandings about the path that I will address later but first let me explain the Stages.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, [1926–2004] was a co-founder of the hospice movement. She was also the author of the book On Death and Dying , which first discussed The Five Stages of Grief. The book is a seminal work in this arena. The following are my definitions of her categories:
The Five Stages of Grief
Denial: a suppression of reality. Your loss is put in a place where your heart and mind can ignore, push away, or step over so that you can continue as if you have lost nothing. Denial is a powerful coping tool that is very helpful for a person to continue on day to day. But denial works only as long as the loss can be hidden and ignored. In time, a person will trip and fall over what they had been ignoring.
Anger: a igniting of reality. The loss is felt with such ferocity a person nearly bursts into flames. The emotion of indignation is uncontainable with knowing the loss is wrong. Anger releases itself into the loss with hopes to fill the void with the truth that it “should not be this way”.
Bargaining: a mediation attempt with a power who could revoke the loss. If the person would do/say/believe, then the power would remove the loss. The person wants to know what he or she could do to change things. It is a reflection of who they are in a world where they can do nothing to gain what is gone. It is a plea for power when a person fells utterly powerless.
Depression: the inability to process necessary daily tasks. I prefer to lead you to a professional counselor to best understand depression. It is not an easy one to define. It is more than sadness or remorse. Depression is a darkness that cloaks life’s normal duties. It is more than an emotion but no less than a physical anchor on your soul.
Acceptance: the ability to see the loss, know the consequences, and hear about multiple ways forward. The light has overcome the darkness. The loss is recognized and the consequences settled upon.
Next week I’ll describe some of the misunderstandings a person can have with the 5 Stages. I would love to hear your definitions or questions for clarity. These are a summary of the ways I have known and experienced each stage.